Yesterday, ohdeedoh led me to this Salon interview with author Amy Richards talking about her book Opting In: Having a Child Without Losing Yourself.

The title made me a little suspicious that it would be a lot of psychobabble, but after reading on, it looks like I’ll be buying this book! Richards is a feminist (who co-wrote these books) who, like me, believes that the “mommy wars” are a distraction from the reality that women and their partners need to make choices that are right for them and their families – that there is not one feminist way to be a mother.

“Each woman wants different things; thus the feminist goal should be figuring out what you want.” -Amy Richards

It’s so great to hear about a book dealing with the so-called ”mommy wars” that doesn’t infuriate me! I just love Richards’ point of view.

“When I titled the book ‘Opting In,’ I meant to say, opt in to your own life, make yourselves aware of the options that are available to you.” -Amy Richards

Only when women do not feel pressured by society at large to either stay at home with their kids or work full-time will we truly be equal.  The focus needs to change from, “How is the Mom going to handle this,” to “How is the family going to handle this.”  Our society must change not only its attitude, but also its policies – we need better maternity/paternity leave and benefits, and employers need to be more flexible and family friendly.  Here’s a bit of Amy Richards’ very balanced view on that: 

“I think some women have been surprised when they’ve gone to their employers and been more honest about their conundrums. They’ve been able to create unique scenarios. This is not everybody, of course. There are definitely people with employers who say, “No way. Do it my way or you leave.” But I think one of the more productive ways to [frame the issue] is not actually “work-family” but “work-life,” so you’re not creating a hierarchy between parents and nonparents in the workplace in which parents are seen as getting “perks” that other employees don’t get. When you couch it in terms of “work-life” it opens it up to the entire workforce. So people will be like, “Yeah, I’m tired of using my sick days to go take care of my mother.”

What’s that?? Someone speaking dimplomatically and fairly about the “mommy wars”??  It can’t be!  Be still my beating heart!  Yup, this book is coming home with me.

It was also great to see some of the responses from the ohdeedoh commenters, remarking on the need for the focus to shift from the gendered idea of “moms” juggling everything to the idea of “parents” making these decisions together, and also the reality that we have a lot of work to do before mothers and fathers (particularly working moms and stay at home dads) are not shamed for their choices.

Hooray for feminist moms speaking out!